Free Critique Per Week: Setting the scene

This critique is by D'Ann Mateer, a fiction mentor at The Writing Spa.

From Jan Cline:

Sarah’s thin cloak barely protected her slim body from the bitter wind. If only she had pockets or a muff to warm her hands, which were growing stiff from the cold. She stood on the stoop of the train station watching travelers come and go. Thunder rumbled in the distance. As the noise grew louder she detected the smell of hot metal, and realized it wasn’t thunder, but the steam engine rolling closer to the station.

An elderly couple shuffled out of the depot office and stood next to her to wait for the train to come to a halt. Soft grey hair framed the woman’s face and a pretty blue cloak hung on her small shoulders. She looked over at Sarah and smiled, wrinkles creasing around her dull green eyes. She resisted the urge to take the gnarled hand of the old woman. Instead she imagined herself their granddaughter, ready to go off on a long adventure with grandparents who adored her. To someplace warm and safe, somewhere to belong, and someone to belong to.

Comments and deletions in red. Additions in green. Weak verbs in blue.

Sarah’s thin cloak barely (this adverb is ok, but can you make the sense stronger by beginning with the wind, which is active, rather than the cloak, which is passive? Something along the lines of: The bitter wind poked holes in Sarah's thin cloak. Do you see how that makes a stronger picture and eliminates the adverb as well?)protected her slim body from the bitter wind. If only she had pockets or a muff to warm her hands, which were growing stiff (you can eliminate "were growing" by saying "stiffened") from the cold. She stood on the stoop of the train station watching travelers come and go. Thunder rumbled in the distance. As the noise grew louder she detected the smell of hot metal, and realized it the sound wasn’t (This "was" is fine, but I noted it just the same.) thunder, but the steam engine rolling closer to the station.

An elderly couple shuffled out of the depot office and stood next to her, to waiting for the train to come to a halt. (The change here simply eliminates one of the four "tos" in this sentence. You might want to rework it further to see if you can eliminate at least one more.) Soft grey hair framed the woman’s face and a pretty blue cloak hung on her small shoulders. She looked over at Sarah and smiled, wrinkles creasing around her dull green eyes. She (the last pronoun in the previous sentence--"her"--refers to the older woman, so this one needs to restate Sarah so we know who is referred to.) Sarah resisted the urge to take the woman's gnarled hand. of the old woman. Instead she imagined herself their granddaughter, ready to go off on a long adventure with grandparents who adored her. To someplace warm and safe, somewhere she to belonged, and someone to she belonged to.

Good setting of the stage and the scene and use of strong, showing verbs. Most of my comments just tighten the writing a bit.